My wife lies to me!

[almostwitty]

A few weeks ago, my lovely pregnant wife bijziend tells me that she and MissH volunteered to be part of an amateur production of The Vagina Monologues. I believed her.

She said she’d volunteered me to operate the lights for the performance, which meant an all-day tech rehearsal on the Friday for which I’d have to take a day off. I wondered why it’d take 10 hours of rehearsal to operate a light, but I believed her.

She said the rehearsals would be on weekday evenings for a week, so she’d be away for four evenings. I wondered why they wouldn’t be in the afternoon, but I believed her.

She said the rehearsals were in a different pub (near Euston) to the pub where the performance was (in Victoria). I wondered why, but I believed her.

I pondered why there wasn't a webpage for the performance, but thought nothing of it.

She came home one night with some shopping from Sainsburys. I pondered why I’d never seen a Sainsburys near Euston, but I believed her.

MissH came to stay overnight, because the rehearsals were starting early at 9am. I pondered why, but I believed them.

Apparently, we had to get up early because we were going to drive into town for the rehearsals. I pondered why, but I believed them.

We woke up at the crack of dawn, and my lovely wife and MissH were unduly concerned that I get in the shower quickly. I pondered why, but I believed them.

We got ready to leave the house, and just when I left the house, I realised that my lovely wife hadn’t put her shoes on at all. I pondered why, just when the door slammed in my face and it was revealed that MissH was taking me somewhere random for a lovely weekend. (It later turned out to be a fabulous weekend of muchos drinking and gallivating around Stockholm!)

Now she tells me that she’s joining in NaNoWriMo, which means she’s going to a pub in Camden tonight. I don’t believe her, wonder what’s next in store and am starting to realise that I should never have married an actress … If anyone should find this message…

Mirrored from almost witty.

Comments

[bart-calendar.livejournal.com]

We all knew about the Stockholm thing but she hasn't let on if there is anything else going on.

[almostwitty]

... and you didn't tell me? Dude, I've known you longer than she has! Not fair!

:)

[bart-calendar.livejournal.com]

I thought it was all fantasy in her head.

She insisted you didn't like lap dances and wouldn't take free blow jobs from cute Swedish escort girls (because I will willing to offer a donation to the Blonde BJ Fund.)

Therefore I figured it was an imaginary trip.

[almostwitty]

It's true. I don't like lap dances or strip clubs - with the caveat that I've never had a lap dance. Strip clubs just reek of human desperation for money, and I personally don't like that. If you want to go and everyone's consenting, all power to you. Just not quite my thang.

But the Swedish ladies are very cute-looking. MissH kept saying "oooh, she's gorgeous" to every other one we seemed to pass.

[bart-calendar.livejournal.com]

For me strip clubs reek of the human desperation to see tits and pussy, which, sadly, most women hide from public view.

[bijziend.livejournal.com]

As I'm part Swedish, I take that as the finest compliment.

And: TOLD YOU, BART! :D

[almostwitty]

The Internet is for porn

[almostwitty]

Oh yes, and you're severely under-estimating my miserly nature for anything that doesn't involve gadgets.

[bart-calendar.livejournal.com]

Yes but you can't smell perfume and pussy online.

[bart-calendar.livejournal.com]

I know, I know.

You are sure he's straight, right?

[bijziend.livejournal.com]

My bulging belly says yes. ;)

He just gets his jollies from gadgets and gizmos. Saves me on divorce laywers, but I end up paying the same in electric bills! ;)

[almostwitty]

You forgot boobs and bellies.

[bart-calendar.livejournal.com]

See and Rome Girl was happy that I found a young girl to amuse me after I turned 40.

"It's cheaper and safer then a red sports car," was her comment.

[almostwitty]

Just how many ladies DO you have on the go at any one time ?!

[bart-calendar.livejournal.com]

I only have Rome Girl and Madrid Girl.

[almostwitty]

I hope you're collecting those Eurostar miles...

[chiller.livejournal.com]

Urgh.

[flyslip.livejournal.com]

She's an ACTRESS? Oh, well then sunshine, you deserve everything you get, and then some.

:D

Just kidding. :) (Well, Kiiiiiiiindaaaa.....)

[anivair.livejournal.com]

Fortunately for me, I am desperate to see those things. YAy! business transaction!

[almostwitty]

Isn't that what the Internet is for?

[anivair.livejournal.com]

Football fans sometimes like to go to the game and not just watch it on TV.

[grahamwest.livejournal.com]

I wondered where your other half's LJ went...

Glad it all went to plan and you had a fun time in Sweden!

[sioneva.livejournal.com]

This.